buried

This will be me today, minus the glasses.  My glasses are still broken from when I tried to repair them with thread and super glue.  Isss cold out there, Halifaxerians, dress appropriately.

Death!

All my plants froze and died last night.  RIP swiss chard.  Ye shall be missed ever so greatly by some bunnies.
Have a great Saturday, people!  xoxo Amelia

Never ending insults

He strikes again!  Here are his most recent insults

• To a Bangladeshi 14 year old Londoner: "So who's on drugs here?"
• After meeting a group of belly dancers: "I thought Eastern women just sit around smoking pipes and eating sweets all day."
• To a 13 year old aspiring astronaut: "Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut."

Hehehehe

Decision

I've decided, after 3 months working for old people, that cloves are the worst taste and smell in the entire world.  They smell like the inside of coffin.  Ugh.  Who puts cloves in baked beans??

Mandrew speaks again: sea ass

Here is Mandrew's summary of the sushi experience.  It differs slightly from my version, which included great hilarity.

Honestly, I'm no stranger to sushi. I have just chosen not to try it. I prefer my fare to be land dwellers; not sea dwellers. However, knowing Amelia's love affair with sushi I thought I'd give it a try. Amelia ordered tuna maki and a sushi pizza.  Against her advice, I tried the tuna maki first. I soaked it in soy sauce and the only thing I can say is that it maki'd me want to vomit. It tasted exactly as I imagined. The ass of the ocean. I gave it a try though.  Feeling extra brave I decided to try some of the "pizza". I took a bite of a slice and was quite surprised. Lots of different flavors with a bit of spice. The real bonus was that none of it tasted like sea ass. I'm not a sushi lover but am more open minded. I will take baby steps as Trots suggested. I shall try again!


There you have it.  He loves sushi!

Newswoman

I am now a proud subscriber of Time magazine and the Economist.  My knowledge of international affairs has deteriorated.  Must not let that happen.  How will I know when to take to the streets for the robot revolution?

dreaded future

After a secret tea time meeting with an insider at the Department of History I have discovered that the current Dept Chair has severe bipolar disorder and regularly calls in sick because she thinks elephants are roaming the city.  Also, several of the faculty are fucking each other, and a couple of the faculty are fucking students.  One prof has been denied tenure because he's completely demented while another has grown massive arms from (presumed) steroid use.  Half the faculty hates the other half because of an ideological dispute that occurred 10 years earlier and the other half hates the first half because they're big giant douchebags.  Meanwhile, the Christmas potluck is approaching and who's going to show up? 

The history department is a complete nuthouse staffed by insecure intellectual gigolos who would sell their souls just to be able to say to their colleagues 'I have a much more impressive lexicon than you.'  Of course in academia it's not about your reputation as a scholar, or the number of books and articles you have published, it's about vengeance on your peers. 

Are you mentally unstable?  Do you need a job where madness is not only tolerated but encouraged?  Are you petty, insincere, snobby, and of an average IQ?  Join the academic pool!  Where mediocrity is enough ammunition to make your colleagues feel bad about themselves.

Putin and atomic puppy

No, actually, NOT atomic.  Killer puppy? Puppy strapped with dynamite?  Puppy instructed to murder the leaders of all ex-Soviet states in order to reunite the USSR under Stalinist Putinist rule?  No.  Just a regular puppy with Putin.  That's right, Hell has officially frozen over to reveal that Putin is vulnerable to cuteness.

Thanks to Richard for sending me this!

From today's Globe & Mail:
What’s the most appropriate name for Vladimir Putin’s cuddly new friend? Puprestroika? Laika? Fluffy?
The Russian strongman is asking for the public’s help in naming a Bulgarian shepherd puppy he received earlier this week as a gift from Bulgarian Prime Minister Boyko Borisov, the Sofia news agency Novinite reports.
The news agency says the pup was originally named Yorgo, but the Russian prime minister is considering options.
There has been no shortage of suggestions from Internet users, such as "Ra-Ra-Ras" from Gawker.com: The dog’s surname will be Putin, get it? Then there is "Dogka," "Gazprom" and "Medvedev," while one commenter on the RT News site offered up "Georgia."
The puppy was presented as a gift to seal a gas pipeline deal, according to the BBC, which says Mr. Putin already has a Labrador named Connie and was given a Siberian tiger cub as a birthday present in 2008.
Photos of Mr. Putin cradling and nuzzling his new pup are a glaring (dare we say, softening?) departure from the Russian prime minister’s tough-guy photo ops. He’s been photographed competing at Judo, riding shirtless on a horse and shooting tranquilizers at a tiger.
The puppy, however, may grow into Mr. Putin’s macho image. Novinite describes Bulgarian shepherd dogs as an extremely rare breed of large mountain livestock guardian dog.

ugh construction

My building has been sold.  Upgrades are currently in progress.  I use the term progress loosely.  There are some men in the hallway outside my unit.  I assume they're construction workers because they have tool belts but to be honest they don't do that much work.  They stand around modeling overalls and accost me with leery smiles.  The other day one of them announced to me with immense pride, 'helllLLLLO.'  Why do men think these bizarre multi-tonal greetings are appropriate?  I'm not in the market for a creepy voice teacher.

Today's insults

Following up on this week's theme of insults, here's some comedy gold from former Australian Prime Minister Paul Keating.

• I suppose that the Honourable Gentleman's hair, like his intellect, will recede into the darkness.
• You've been in the dye pot again, Andrew (Peacock).
• I was implying that the Honourable Member for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock- alive, but looking dead.
• The opposition could not operate a tart shop.
• It is the first time that the Honourable Gentleman has got out from under the sunlamp.
• I was nearly chloroformed by the performance of the Honourable Gentleman for Mackellar.  It nearly put me right out for the afternoon.

Ambassador

Good morning, Explorers!  Today I am going to the Centre for Foreign Policy Studies' talk about the foreign service.  I hope to gain insights into a career that doesn't involve lingerie or dildos.  THEN I am having afternoon tea with someone cool.  THEN I am going to go out and buy a snow machine and fill my apartment.  Have a great day!  xoxo Amelia

Mandrew + Sushi

Today is an epic day.  I have introduced Mandrew to sushi.  It was a tremendous event, with balloons and bears and.... frowns.  Mandrew is not a big fan of sushi.  I watched him excitedly as he ate tuna maki, and then I watched him crestfallen as he chewed it and frowned.  Then I watched him eat sushi pizza and he seemed alright.  There was a particular face he did that was really quite funny.  He rated his overall satisfaction as: unsatisfied.  He said it tasted like the ocean.

But here at sweetameliaheartnolonger.com, we are very proud of our Mandrew.  He is brave and open-minded and continues to have excellent biceps as well as a pleasing character.  Great work, Mandrew!  xoxo

Did anyone see this?

Why is George Galloway in Halifax? Who's going?  I'm interested if only for the disaster.  How come we can't keep him out like Ann Coulter?  They should have a baby.

Doom

Dear subscribers, this is a version of my new phone.  My old phone stopped working properly about 3 months ago.  My new phone is fatter and more complicated.  It is meant to help me, because the calls will actually go through, but I am left disoriented and dazed.  It has individual letters so I don't have to press the keys three times but I'm so slow that I'm jabbing at the keys like it's a typewriter.  Now I know how my mother feels about cell phones.  Or how my grandmother feels about answering machines.  Hostile.

Also, I lost all my old numbers because the sim card only uploaded certain numbers and I can't reach anybody.  I am marooned on a little red and black island without a raft.  Although it's big enough to rival the first computer.

BBC boycott

Fucking useless piece of garbage bbc history magazine people who cannot keep track of fucking subscriptions that have been PAID for, useless hateful horrible bastards without social or business conscience, when there are only THREE subscribers in the whole of this fucking godforsaken province and suddenly I'm not one of them?  Fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckufckufckuckfuckufckfcufk

smoked out

There is cigarette smoke coming into my apartment from the girls below me.  Who is smoking at 730 am?  Start your day with poison!  These girls are particularly irritating because there is always a terrible aroma wafting upwards from their place.  They invest heavily in what I call the triad of death: marijuana, cigarettes, and incense.  I can't think which is worse.

Answer

Why do I like history?  I shall tell them instead HOW I like history.

I like to make love to it in the dead of night.  I like to lick its face in the mid of day.  I like to carry it around in a big purse and pet its fuzzy head.  I like to hold it in my lap during long flights.  I like to wrap it in pastry and eat it for dinner.  I like to wear it as earrings.  I like to feed it truffles.  I like to crack it open and sleep inside it.  I like to groom it with French lavender.  I like to hold it when I cry.  I like to overestimate its value.

How's that?

EmilyoutofPrison

Good news!  My favourite inmate has been released from jail!  Just kidding.  She was never in jail, just Toronto.  Let's all encourage Emily to come to Halifax this weekend so she and I can hang out.  Emily, please rebook your ticket and do not shout the word 'terrorist' in the airport again.  xoxo Amelia

Elizabethan day

Good morning!  Do you say 'fuck' too much?  Do you swear repeatedly when you are angry with someone?  Not anymore!  I have compiled a list of Elizabethan insults for you.  Improve your life this one easy step: when angry, revert to Renaissance.

• You weedy, sheep-biting maggot pie!
• Fie! (as replacement for fuck)
• A chat with you and somehow death loses it's sting
• Your services might be as useful as a barber shop on the edge of a guillotine
• I find you about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill attached to it
• You would bore the pants off the village idiot
• Fortune vomits on your eiderdown once again

Now go forth and enjoy your day!  xoxo Amelia

Treatise on Men

I received some excessively bad news today regarding my future.  The seniors and I were in their kitchen, making dinner.  Well, she and I were making dinner while he pontificated on gender impulses in the human species.  He is himself an academic and had plenty of advice for me.  He said if I went ahead with the phD I would have no hope of ever getting a man to commit to me.  Men, you see, want to be better educated than their mate.  It helps them establish intellectual superiority to match the physical dominance they already enjoy.  Men like women who are bright and productive but not more so than men.  He said that a well-educated woman would lead her less-educated male partner to feel insecure and irrelevant.  While he may initially admire her drive and ambition, for it proves her to be a superior female, he is ultimately convinced that it means she is a superior breeder and reproductive partner.  When her ambitions do not turn to reproduction and home-making, he begins to see her as competition for the male role in the relationship.  He believes she is challenging him. He bows out, emasculated.

I was advised that I could have one or the other: man or career.  They cannot exist together, they can only exist in parallel universes.  Academic women intimidate men.  He said men are far too easily threatened for their own good, and that to deliberately ignore or discard well-educated women is a silly choice, but that it happens in academia with alarming frequency.

I respect him very much, though I like him only occasionally.  He has the kind of blunt approach to human relations that is terribly off-putting.  Nevertheless, he is often right.  So my question is, is he right?  I am slightly unsettled.  Not because I ever wanted to get married but because I do not want my career and ambition to render me unlovable. 

pigeon fate

By the way, that dead pigeon from my last Russian lesson?  She fed it to her raccoons.  She said, it's the cycle of life. 

Time after time

The trouble with history.

I'm reading Romeo Dallaire's new book.  I could have used much of the information 8 months ago in my thesis.  It clarifies some of my questions about the opposing military forces.  The trouble with history is that as soon as you publish, it's out of date.  It becomes historiography.  So people can read it and say, in March 2010 this is what the author knew about the army.... In November 2010 she would've known much more from Gen. Dallaire's publication.  I'm now a stepping stone.  Our knowledge builds and builds until what you have written is subsumed by new revelations.  My history publication IS history.  I could now be a subject of study for future historians.  How odd to be part of what you are studying. 

Wedding suggestion

Auralie: Bride of Blood Type O Negative

Animal sacrifice.

Duck of the apocalypse.  It's going to be a fantastic day.

Today is Vampire day

Dog of the Damned.

Morning!

Church door of the undead.  Wooden stakes.  Broken windows.  Plant life in pews. 
Have a great day, my little bloodsuckers!  xoxo Amelia

Breaking news

This just in: EmilyinToronto, sexpot extraordinaire and redhead sista, was detained today at Pearson International Airport on suspicion of terrorism.  No joke.  Of course, Emily is known for a bit of well-placed swearing and I use the words 'well-placed' quite wrongly.  It was only a matter of time.  Plus all the connections with Al Qaeda.  See you in 15 to 20, Emily!  xoxo yo ho

Sighhhhhhh

I read the terms and agreement and the dare to remember campaign does not accept dares of inappropriate or pornographic content.  My particular escort expose dare is therefore unlikely to be approved.  I am deeply saddened and feel afloat and adrift and asea.  What do I do with my life now?

Russian proverbs of the day

Ruskie paclovini dlya cevodnya:

If you run after two hares, you will catch neither

If you try to get what belongs to someone else, you will lose what belongs to you.

xoxo Anna Karenina

From Russia, with love

Today Tatiana and I compared baboon stories- mine from Zimbabwe and hers from Ethiopia.  It turns out, no matter the geographic location, baboons are both ugly and frightening.  They have teeth like a lion but a king of turkey-themed butt.  They sit around trees like old men but will kill baby impalas with glee.  Anyways, Tatiana got so mad one day that she whipped a baboon with a towel.  It responded by baring its teeth and hissing, before wandering off and giving her the stink eye.  She said it watched her, leering and mean-eyed, for the rest of the trip.  Her conclusion?  "Sometimes, I get a little mad."

cake idea #2

OR self-defence murder themed.

cake idea #1

Auralie has asked me to decorate her cake.  If you had a Vin Diesel themed wedding I would be thrilled to plan and produce everything.  Say I do... to Vin Diesel.

battle of britain

GGGGgggggggrrrrrrrrrr so annoyed.  The BBC history magazine people are no more organized than fucking Eastlink.  I thought the BBC was the model of efficiency and production.  But it's shit.  Then I think, when I was in London how did I feel?  London was dirty, grimy, unfriendly, aggressively impersonal, and convoluted.  So it's no wonder.

These people think I have a subscription to the BBC Music magazine.  What they don't know is that music doesn't interest me at all, and British music is about as exciting as... Eastlink.  So there, mothafuckas. 

looking ahead AAAAAAAAAH

Do you recognize any of these people?  No, neither do I.  But I've been thinking and I'm very concerned about the number of weddings in my future.  Of my friends, almost none are married.  Of my industry friends, almost none are married.
Emma is not married.
Emily is not married.
Kendra just got divorced and is therefore at risk of remarriage.
Tatiana in Edmonton is not married.
Malaysia is not married
Star is not married (lesbian, thank god.)


I fear the future holds many weddings.  

Marriage virus

Why is everyone getting married?  First those friend of mine from Cape Breton, then Auralie 'I'm never getting married' Trotsky, and now my heinous fat cousin from Lethbridge.  It's the plague, I tell you.  Once one person gets it they all get it.  Luckily, I hate my heinous fat cousin and therefore have a good reason not to attend.  Auralie on the other hand, I quite like.  Perhaps she'll elope?  I suspect though that her wedding might be enjoyable and charming and fully stocked with alcohol, even the cheapest alcohol for the comfort of me.  Hear that, girl?  I wants to be drunk when you walk down the aisle.

noisy

Mmmmmmmmmmm cheese curds squeak squeak squeak.

eeeeeeeeeeee

Good morning Camemberts!  Ca va bien ce matin?  I'm extremely excited today because I found a free tv site all with Russian subtitles so I can watch my favourite shows AND learn more Russian at the same time.  But what I'm most excited about today is going to the Valley to a cheese factory where I will bathe in cheese curds and vote for Quebec separatism.  With the invention of poutine, who needs Canada?  Le referendum m'attends.  Have an awesome today!  xoxo Amelia

Sisters

Called my sister today, finally.  We've barely spoken in the last 3 or 4 years.  Only sisters can hurt each other as badly as we've hurt each other.  It's a sister thing.  Best friends, worst enemies.  Sometimes, though, you can tell your newly sworn in doctor sister that no matter what you'll never forgive her for never letting you wear that lime green cotton suit in 1990.  You'll let the rest slide- the crying, the yelling, the words- that's maybe not so bad.  It's maybe the price you have to pay to get all that love.

Angel of death

I feel strongly that some books should be put down for their own good.  Every now and then some really terrible books show up in my apartment building lobby.  So far I have arranged for the recycling of many a romance novel and religion 'non-fiction.'  I really think it's better for everyone in the end of those books are given a noble death via shredding.  They will resurface in products like toilet paper, which is the best place for them.  Today's gem is a book about sex and god.  The author seems to believe that god is the missing element in today's sexual culture.  My initial instinct is to set the book alight and scatter its ashes over some porn magazines.  But I am more than that.  I am the angel of death.  In CSI terms, I suffer from delusions of grandeur and possibly schizophrenic hallucinations.

Weekend forecast

Tarot Cards: High Priestess, ten of pentacles, eight of something.

Forecast: despotism, the future as yet unrevealed, dowry and/or robbery.

So, an arranged marriage to an autocrat, hopefully Russian, but might be a surprise on the wedding night.  It's going to be one hell of a weekend.  Look out for burlap sacs!

Damn you, Concordia

UUUUUUUUUGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh god.  I have to write an essay for my Concordia application on the question of why I like history.  Why do I like history?  Because you don't change horses in midstream, that's why.  And I like old photographs and history is fucking cool.  What else do I say?

Relativity

I felt horrible when I showed up to work today.  Then the seniors stumbled into the kitchen to greet me, he barely walking due to a mysterious leg injury and she because she hadn't been able to fill her prescriptions on Remembrance Day, and suddenly I felt alot better.  As they sniped and griped at each other I realized that I am tremendously healthy and happy.  I hope you all feel good to.  xoxo Amelia

Mandrew speaks!

Here is what he has to say:

"Greetings to all the Green Light District followers!  Tis I! Andrew or as Amelia likes to call me Mandrew. For the record, even though my behind has been referenced as an "ass that doesn't quit" I will not be "welcoming" any "jackhammering" and/or "flowering" to my backside.   Now that is settled......the picture that Amelia has posted is not entirely accurate. My hair is actually lighter and my spandex suit is yellow with a spattering of silver lightening bolts.  I think it's important that Amelia state and report the facts. It is true. I have a job. Never realized the allure that would be. I also walk upright....most of the time. I really enjoy reading Amelia's blog. Not only is she sexy and beautiful, but she is truly unique. Her insight and take on things is quite witty and intelligent. Just like she is. I will continue to read on!  All the best to you all!"

What a flatterer.  As we all know by now, flattery and revenge are friends.  Also, burliness and spandex make for great gay porn.  There's a Russian proverb for everything.  Thanks Andrew! xoxo

Debutante

Good morning!  Today is a special day.  I am introducing a man to the blog.  This man is both tall and employed.  His name is Andrew and he looks like this.  He enjoys fitness and cooking.  He likes dogs and sports.  But don't be getting too excited, for he is my new man.  If you seek a lumberjack with excellent biceps and steady employment, look elsewhere.  He is lovely and buys me milk.  His gay porn name is Mandrew.  Or at least it will be when he is ready to unclench and welcome.  Welcome to the blog Andrew!  xoxo

Self help: Dirty talk

Yesterday, compelled by a research instinct pure as the driven snow, I looked up dirty phrases.  I will now share with you what the internet told me, so that you can all have a dirtier sex life.  The internet advised me to say (during sex) the following:

• I want to fuck you right in front of everybody
• That's the best dick I've ever had
• Your penis drives me wild
• Stick it in me and feel me flower
• Jackhammer me
• Release the weapon.

I'm fully confident that these phrases will spice up your sex life.  I personally would not use these or even think about using any of these or use any of these specific words but I'm sure they're safe. I kinda wish I'd used them in a duo with Emma.  That would've been awesome.

You're welcome!  xoxo Amelia

chore

Talking to my mother has become unbelievably odd.  What is with these old ladies in our country?  Don't they have anything better to do than recount the details of the ballet to their tired and cranky daughters?  Or explain extensively about the new blinds or what the neighbours are doing with their compost?  They should be put in the military. They could gossip the enemy to death.

Seniors exercising

Tomorrow I go to work.  I believe I will be working late, actually, looking after the dogs whilst the seniors go to a dinner party.  Last time I did this exercise video with the senior lady.  She has no coordination or balance, and was dressed in a long-sleeved shirt, a fleece, and a down vest.  I was wearing a sweater that made me look like a pink bee.  It was awesome.  She kept forgetting to switch sides and I said you'll end up with one huge leg.  She thought that was funny.  I hope when I'm old I will be able to work out with demented-looking fitness dvd presenters, and keep warm without wearing a parka indoors.

CSI: Technology

Do you guys remember the original Oregon Trail?  I remember playing this as a child in Zimbabwe on some very old, boxy computers.  It was great.  Where did it go?

CSI: BBC History Magazine

Where the fuck are the October and November issues of my magazine?  This mystery can only be solved one way: strongly worded email.

CSI: Emma's Head

I first noticed Emma's inability to take a clear photo in May of 2010.  Near every picture was blurry.  I thought, the Royal Conservatory of TV Crime Scene Franchise Investigation Branch and Truthfulness Division will want to hear about this. 

I worked diligently with Emma, telling her, keep the camera steady!  Perhaps our laughter did not help the situation.  But then I thought, is it possible for one person to take so many blurry photos?  Or is it ME who is naturally blurry?  I consulted the FBI KGB CIA Secret Files in the Basement of My Computer.  With growing horror, I found this.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

My friends, I plead with you to tell me the truth.  Am I, as a person, BLURRY?  Is this how I normally look?

I believe this is when I say 'case closed' and stare dispassionately at a dead pigeon in a box.